There's so much I don't understand. So much I hope I never understand, and so much that I wish I could.


Brógan and I are at my parents for the afternoon because the bathroom at our place is being re-drywalled after the landlord's upstairs drain leaked into the ceiling lath and soaked the plaster. The reason for leaving was, admittedly, more to avoid having to have conversation than to avoid being in the way. So I'm baking cookies for my family to keep my hands busy and whittle down some anxiety since I can't paint.

The feelings and lists of questions and fears in my head is extremely sisyphean. The more I try to answer or quell them, the more pop up.

I could go on and on about my parents' white, upper-middle-class neighbours who drive their gigantic brand-new gas-guzzling pick-up trucks to cozy office jobs, blaring songs about digging in the dirt while drinking beer written by some rich fucker on a jet plane sponsored by Miller Lite who's never touched soil in his life, who bitch about how "their" jobs were taken by immigrants and how they feel "offended" by the "sand-niggers" down the street, about how they are so upset that Christian-Centric activities were removed from public schools and how climate change is a myth (supported by their Heroic And Noble Leader who says the Chinese invented it.)

My blood is boiling.

I'm reminded of Baudrillard's Simulacra and Simulation, about McLuhan's The Medium Is The Message; society cares very little for the realness of things - it is the image, the representation of the thing, that is most important.

America has officially legitimized racism, hate, xenophobia, misogyny, Islamophobia, homophobia, bullying, anti-intellectualism, and cultural warfare. It has officially said "this is all good." This is the most terrifying part of all.
It seemed supporting Trump was somewhat of a faux-pas for a while. Particularly around our neck of the woods - a lot of blue-collar, old-school union workers and second-generation Irish and Italian immigrants mixed with young liberals, college students, and new families - our city voted in overwhelming favor of Bernie back in the primaries. I think I saw maybe two Trump stickers / signs the entire time.
But boy, now that their Heroic And Noble Leader is Everyone's Leader, have they come out of the woodwork.

On an overpass of the highway about two streets down from where Jack, Brógan and I live, there were a bunch of Sanders signs once upon a time. After Hillary was officially elected as the Democratic candidate, those signs slowly came down, and weren't replaced with pro-Hillary ones. But the day following Trump's election, as I headed to the art museum to spend the afternoon tearful in the presence of Kara Walker's current (phenomenal, powerful) exhibition, I noticed the bridge was covered in poorly handmade signs that read "TRUMP = TRUTH", "LOCK HER UP," "GOD LOVES TRUMP," and until yesterday, one that said "TRUMP" with the t fashioned as a swastika. A friend, who lives in a predominantly Mexican part of town, reported, the morning after Trump's election, that her college-age white boy neighbours had skipped school to blare country music out of their car, wave Trump flags, drink beer, and shout "fuckin' wetbacks!" at the Mexican men passing by, while demanding that the women"Show us your jugs!"

I don't want to believe that this is what's to come, but as the hours tick by, more and more stories of this sort of behaviour are surfacing. Sure, it happens on it's own - it always has, because humans can never agree, because they feel like they need, desperately, some sort of hierarchy against one another, because diversity is an integral part of us as a species and society has a real fucking hard time with it. But now this behaviour is seemingly legitimized, as people, mainly young ones, do it in increasingly in the name of their Heroic And Noble Leader.

And to be fair, I've heard a fair share of liberals acting out violently as well. Slandering, name calling, pointing fingers - it's just as bad. Unfortunately, I exist in a sort of liberal bubble, so most of what I see (and I don't watch television, so, there's that cut out as well) is from that point of view rather than the other.

You know, I never have identified with America. Never in my life. I've never owned, coveted, or sported an American flag in any way. The National Anthem has never caused me to tear up. I hated, hated standing in class every single day, pledging allegiance to the flag. It's not that I'm anti-American (though, at this rate, I'm on the road headed there), it's not that I don't like the country (although right now, it makes me feel sick), but I never felt identified with it, never felt that sort of nationalism or pride - it always left a sour taste in my mouth and made me want to run and hide.  Don't get me wrong - I never take for granted the rights and privileges and safeties that are here, that so much of the world is denied. But on a personal level...it's been hard. Maybe it's because I was raised by immigrants, taught to embrace a different part of the world. Maybe it's because I don't have roots here, no roots older than about 60 years anyway.

And now, in the midst of this country's approval of so many things that go against my very core morals, the overwhelming realization that so many people I know, people I love, silently supported those things, that everywhere I go I am undoubtedly surrounded by people who just couldn't be arsed -  I feel smaller, and more disconnected, than ever.

The hardest part is not letting my own cynicism take hold. Not letting my own anger, fear, mistrust, and antipathy fog my sight - to not sink to that level, to not further strengthen the divide by finger-pointing, spewing hatred, or closing my ears. The real battle lies not in taking anyone down, but in learning to understand, in not shutting out anyone, despite whatever I might feel. This is difficult. So difficult. As I sit at my parents and look out at those stupid pick up trucks, I see these people around me - who have helped me, my family, who have loved us, laughed with us, shared life and precious time with us, who have given selflessly to us, who I have believed to be good and kind - in a different light, holding so much hatred and utter disregard for the simple, beautiful commonality and diversity of humankind. So, what next? I don't know. But I do know that everyone is afraid of something, everyone is angry at something.


This post brought to you by the noise in Kaetlyn's head that she can't shut up.


On a lighter note though, it was Brógan's 9th birthday yesterday. 9 going on 5, I swear it. I can hardly believe it. He received a new tug-rope toy to play with Jack, and a gigantic frosted dog biscuit. And a trip to the park.

Pre-Nightmares

What's next?

Such a strange feeling, disbelief standing directly next to expectation.

I'm thinking about home. I'm thinking about the rocky landscape that swallows me up, calms me with its gentle whispers, tucks me away into the craggy layers of its history. Inhaling through the cracks in the limestone and exhaling through the orchids with their faces turned to the shy sun. Where nothing matters but the sky and the earth, the water and the air, and the winds.

I can barely keep my eyes open but I can taste the future, and the thought of waking up in it makes me afraid to go to bed.

A Status Update

Currently:

Chosen to live in unemployed and irresponsible bliss spending 80% of my waking time painting and the other 20% roaming streets and forests with Brógan and Jack.

Not total bliss, just to be clear. There's a lot of thread I've allowed to tangle up over the last three and a half years. It'll take a while to sort that out. But starting on the project feels good.

Also, a lot of uncertainty and anxiety. But I'm working on that too.

Accepting: not fitting into a box, not fitting into time slots or set hours or being complimented by a nice, descriptive, distinct label that makes me feel purposeful or important.

Accepting that I am not wired for a 9 to 5, a 40-hour week, a title, a routine.

And especially not made for doing the bidding of others.

People try to tell you otherwise.

They try to tell you it's because you're weak; you're lazy, unrealistic, irresponsible, spineless, ignorant, disrespectful, spoiled and selfish. They will tell you it's because you expect everything to be handed to you, because you didn't get enough of the belt as a kid, or got too much of what you wanted. They will tell you you don't know the meaning of work, don't have respect for work, that your head is in the clouds and you're a complete, total, utter imbecile. Birdbrain, feckless, irrational, impulsive, blind and foolish.

These are the same people that glorify busy-ness; the less time you have for family, friends, enjoyment, learning, enrichment, passtimes, or anything-other-than-responsibility, the higher you are on the social ladder - because you're that important. 

These are the same people that glorify complaining. Who gain more and more beatitude with each gripe and grumble about their jobs. Whose divine social halos glow brighter each time they use their evidently non-existant spare time for the sole purpose of collectively complaining about the office (and mad bonus points for condemning those who do enjoy the work they do.)

But you know what? When you have all the time in the world, you suddenly find you have no time for any of that.

(Or at least, that you're working on having no time for it.)

Accepting:

The only constant I have ever had in my life has been art.

Whatever else I've done, whatever else has gone on in my life, good or bad, here or there, anywhere, any frame of mind, any age, any raging tempest, any struggle, any bliss, any season, relationship, phase, flight-of-fancy, job, hobby, interest, religion, illness, weather, hour - that's it. That's the one thing that has stood against the storms and ages, and lived through it all. Whether I like it or not, that's it.

The stoics believe that humans should live according to nature. The interpretation of this takes a few forms, but I've internalized it with two main points. Humans exist for the sole purpose of other humans - we are made for each other, perfectly, irrevocably, and for better for absolutely nothing else. All of us. And so, part of living according to nature is doing our best by our fellow humans - I always assumed this meant being a good person, helping others as best as you can, being non-judgmental, and never doing harm of any sort to any other person (or - and in many ways stoicism is strikingly similar to buddhism - to any other living thing, for that matter). The other part of this is very interesting - that we must live according to our individual nature. I think it's Epictetus who raises the example of a horse - what makes a good horse? Well, a horse that is suited well to the nature of horses. I suppose, at least for the domestic horse, he will have a good physical body - he will have strong legs, solid bones, a deep barrel, bright eyes, clean movement, a powerful hind end and back. But also he must have a good disposition in the way that only a horse can. Not the disposition of a dog, or bird, or human - but only one that suits him (probably something along the lines of having good energy, focused, not spooky, sound of mind, curious and given to quick learning, sensitive to body language of other horses [and potentially humans], neither aggressive nor entirely passive, etc). 

So it goes for people. Beyond living according to nature as a human, in both temperament and physicality, according to the stoics we must live also according to our individual natures. To do otherwise would, in effect, cancel out the first point - living according to nature as a human being; by denying to live according to our individual natures (however we self-identify, find purpose or meaning or place in life), we deny the rest of humanity whatever we uniquely have to offer it. For example - a poet. It's in the poet's nature to write poetry. Should he deny himself this, he denies it also to the rest of humanity, for his poetry is his own personal contribution and gift to the wealth of human culture and complexity. Imagine if all poets were to go silent. 

The pain point for the Stoics, it seems to me, is benefit of the whole. And that even by doing personal things, by being ourselves, whatever that may be - so long as it is not harmful to others - we benefit the whole. 

I was going somewhere with this but I'm losing my train of thought.

At any rate. I'm not using stoicism as an excuse to quit my job and focus on my studio practice full time.

I don't need that. Because all I need is the fact that I'm an artist, I always have been. I don't fit into the boxes - not because I'm an artist, but because of who I am by my own nature, my own temperament, and being given to art-making is just a product of that. I accept it now, and I will no longer refuse it, put it aside for any other thing, and never again will I force myself to fit into boxes I don't fit into unless I have absolutely no other choice.

And there's always another choice.

I owe so much to Jack for knocking sense into me to help me reach this point and being unwaveringly encouraging, supportive, and, well, excited, when the rest of the world seemed so cold. I don't know why fortune favored me so much to let me share this human's life, but I'll never take it for granted.

Anyway. Now that I have all the time in the world, maybe I'll make some more time for this.

Fragmented Nonsensical Frustrations

Tolerance is nonsense.
Praying, good vibes, good thoughts, and silences are not going to cut it.

The more hate society builds, the more lines it draws, people it sections into categories labeled with stereotypes that allow those on one side to point fingers and jump to conclusions and lump the "others" all into one neat little bubble of blame, the more and more this is going to happen.
This goes for conservatives pointing fingers at liberals, liberals pointing fingers at conservatives, whites pointing fingers at non-whites, non-whites pointing fingers at whites, christians pointing fingers at muslims, muslims pointing fingers at christians, coffee drinkers pointing fingers at tea drinkers, red heads pointing fingers at brunettes, so on and so on.

Big-endians and little-endians everywhere I look.

All of these false dichotomies, just so we can point fingers and say "YOU! YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!"
It's everyone. It's all around. It's the lines themselves. It's the refusal to believe that there is space enough in the world for all the tastes and tunes of humanity. It's refusal to believe that it is okay for people to be different from oneself, and for oneself to be different from others.

I am less and less able to "tolerate" being here, being a(n unwilling) part of this big, sloppy, sad mass of chaos. And yet I feel, maybe, as though I am needed - because I understand, because I refuse to put up lines, because I practice compassion and kindness toward every living soul I meet at every chance I can to the very very best of my ability, every day. Because I love and relish and delight in the unbelievable and beautiful variegation of the human species, even when I don't agree with it.

What else can I do?
If being kind, compassionate, understanding, and open is what I can do - if stuffing down my personal opinions and tastes and beliefs and putting aside my ego to just be a nice person is what I can do to make a difference - then that's what I'm going to fucking do. If my kindness makes even a small mark in the day of one person, if I am never, ever acknowledged or thanked for it, I have done good.

If my kindness makes one person feel like they matter, like they are not pushed away or unwanted or that they don't belong or have value or are deserving, then I have fully served my purpose.

And there are so many who don't, who won't, who refuse to do this.
There are so many who would homogenize the entire world if they could, who would do away with biodiversity altogether. Who would suffocate difference with hate and fear and greed - who would be glad to make others feel unvalued. Who would have every human being in every corner of the globe as a carbon copy of every other human being.

But selfless kindness is one of the most incredible feelings.
I come face to face with this challenge daily. I face people whose opinions, beliefs, manners, actions, words, tastes I cannot stand. I come face to face with bitter, crotchety, grumpy, bigoted, angry people every day.
But it's an amazing thing what one simple, small act of sincere kindness, without expectation, without egoic attachment - something as simple as listening to someone with full attention and willingness to be open and learn, not dismissing or jumping to conclusions - can do.

I often wonder if we are losing this ability as we communicate more and more with phones and texts and symbols and screens. That we are losing our compassion-ability beyond sharing "#support-this-thing" "#pray-for-this-thing." That we are losing our ability to look into the eyes of another person and be fully present with them for that moment and understand the humanity in them, without letting our own ego, stereotypes, judgements, or preconceptions (as well as distractions) get in the way - to just fully listen and value their presence and the miracle that for a moment you're sharing it.

Now that I've completed this nonsensical emotionally-driven circle rant, I'll just exit with one of my favorites:

"Nature hath given man one tongue but two ears - so we may hear from others twice as much as we speak." - Epictetus

The Mean Grey Horse

I'm remembering my dreams again lately. It's been a long time since I've consistently been able to recall them - a few years at least. When I took a Jungian Theory course, I trained myself into remembering them daily - the very first moments of waking each morning were spent consciously re-narrating and recalling them to myself. That's the most important part, and all it takes is a bit of practice until one daily remembers the adventures they had that night. Unfortunately, it's a practice I let go of for a while (whether that was a conscious neglect or not is up for debate.)

Horses have been in most of them recently. Horses that rebel against my sincere and desperate want of their friendship, that seek my destruction, that lay waste to my relationships, bring guilt and shame with their presence. They kick at me, bite and threaten my life, break out of their stalls, destroy their paddocks, terrorize my family, tear their leads from my hands, run wild and out of my control.

Against natural fear for my life, I stood up to one the other night. A giant, a dappled, dark-grey wild monstrosity with black feather'd pasterns, hateful eyes, and blood of raging fire. I sought his companionship, believing him to be not so bad as he put on, but he always proved me wrong; I'd spent the entire week running from his violent kicks, his snorting and screaming, the way he'd throw every ounce of his unfathomable weight at me and threaten my throat with his granite hooves. But after night in and night out of running and hiding, I'd had enough, and there was nowhere to go; he'd angered my father, got me fired from my job, resurfaced past regrets and failures, depleted my bank account,  refused all attempts at kindness, and chased me into a corner. So I did what any sensible human would do: I stood there and screamed at the top of my lungs for him to just kill me already.

But he didn't. He stilled. He silenced. The storm of dust around him started to settle. Heaving a deep breath, he walked to me and set his nose to my shoulder, letting the weight of his giant head down onto it. This war monger that tormented me for seven nights turned instantly into a lamb, and all I could do was release an admittedly half-disappointed sigh.

I remember learning in that course that the things that threaten our lives in our dreams, the things we want (or feel the need to) desperately to run from, whose threats seem to be inescapable guarantors of our ruin, or at least pain, are the things we need most to stop running from. Every time we stop running from them - a building collapsing on us, a beast on our heels, a serial killer chasing us - every time we let the bad thing simply happen, or make the conscious decision to let it happen, everything changes - and it never leads, despite all previous certainty, to one's destruction.

The real task, however, is figuring out what, in my waking life, this creature who features in all my dreams, has disguised himself as.

I've committed to spending the remainder of the year devoted to fairly Stoic practices. I've reverted my smart phone to a dumb one that does nothing more than text, call, show me a map, and allow me dictionary access; deactivated all social media accounts; cancelled the cable television service; asked my brother to turn off Netflix and Hulu sharing; set a $35/week grocery budget (complete with a list of unnecessary or indulgent foods to let go of, mainly sugars and animals); set limits on internet time; and a whole bunch of other small things that are all geared toward reestablishing appreciation, values, and getting rid of all the distracting rubbish that seems to have built up around me over the last two years.

Since I am no longer spending my days in a state either at the mercy of my own frantic emotions or utterly distracted by the mind-numbing baubles that contemporary society dangles here and there to keep us all obedient to its agenda, the inclination to do more reflecting, or at least narrating, in here, like an old friend, has found its way back to me.

Lilliput

What a mess this country is in.

It seems to me that it's nothing more than an endless tirade of citizen against citizen. White against Black against White against Mexican against Mexican against Black against Black against White against White. That their need to 'bear arms' is in self-defense against each other; against their fellow citizens, their own community, their neighbors. It seems every One is in fear of every Other.

I find myself living in a place where my fellow humans are so mistrustful of each other than they must carry deadly weapons on their person at all times.

I find the compulsive drive for social hierarchy one of the most heart-breaking and ignorant practices facing this landscape; the need to elevate oneself against another; the need for an Other in order to validate the Self, the non-Other. The need to point out, attack, and degrade the superficial differences of fellow human beings, out of nothing more than pure ignorance and bigoted Opinion, with no Reason or Fact, with the sole purpose of establishing one's own Superiority.

Gulliver's Travels is on the forefront of my mind.
The Little-Endians and Big-Endians are as prominent as ever, the divide as wide as ever, and the absurdity of this utterly trivial division is just as potent and noxious as it were in this 1726 world - yet they remain blind to those qualities of it and continue to uphold it with great urge and ferocity.

I have found myself surrounded by more insidious and blatant, wide-open bigotry, ignorance, prejudice than ever before. The first Amendment seems to be to be little more than 'Asshole Rights' in the community immediately around me; the right to remain bigoted, the right to believe 'that niggers are a problem' the right to believe that 'whites are supreme' the right to believe that 'women are inferior to men' and the right to express and perpetuate all of this madness.

It breaks my heart that the words on these peoples' iconic statue of liberty, which they behold like a god and celebrate so highly and profoundly in their images and words, are overlooked entirely, as if, at some point, someone erased them entirely.

This year has been an awful one in many respects.
The only American thing I have left in me, in this world, is my passport, and sometimes even that seems like a disgrace.

If it were up to me, I'd be back on Inis Oírr with Jack and Brógan living a minimal life in ignorant bliss with a garden of sweet potatoes and speaking in tongues.

Orioles in Late Spring

I'm sitting on the patio having my morning coffee and cigarette and trying to be as still as I can while the house sparrows and grackles eat from the feeder next to me. Within the past few days we've had the appearance of about four Boston Orioles, I can hear them singing  now- such a rich voice! There's great depth to their song. They're not as common around here as one might think, and it seems its rare for them to stick around unless they have good reason to. Yesterday I took a break from painting for lunch and decided I'd sit on the patio and do a bit of reading. I accomplished very little of what I set out to. A few days ago I heard a new song join our bird chorus and I wasn't sure what it was.  I sat with my computer listening to samples of things, and it sounded somewhere between a rose-breasted grosbeak and an oriole - I so badly wanted it to be an oriole but the actual song itself was different from all the clips I'd heard online. I thought maybe each set of birds came up with their own unique song, but wasn't sure.
To my great excitement yesterday during lunch, I discovered that indeed the song belonged to the Orioles, as I spotted the female picking around our firewood and singing away. Each time I heard the song I couldn't keep my eyes on the book. Eventually I gave up on reading and went into the garage to dig around for our oriole feeder after putting out a few oranges (supposedly they like oranges, but I have yet to see success in this, I always find the oranges still in tact and shriveled up from the sun a few days later). It seems our feeder was thrown out sometime in the midst of one of our seasonal garage cleanings, so I'll be making a trip to the store today to get a new one and see if they'll take to it and stick around for the summer.

I've diligently kept our feeder full all winter. Sometime in January I moved it next to the kitchen window so I could watch the birds as they fed. February was so cold that visits were few and far between to it, but come April they were making up for it. Mostly house sparrows and grackles come to it, I'm sad the chickadees don't seem to care much for it as they're one of my favourites and often very bold little birds. There may not be enough black sunflower in it for them so maybe I'll pick some of that up.

At any rate, I'm having a nice time hanging out with the birds in the back and the neighbours might think I'm a little strange sitting here with my binoculars but they're just a joy to watch and listen to. Brógan and Jake don't mind, they're enjoying sunbathing before the heat gets too unbearable.

Where did I leave off?
Things got strange and stressful fast at the stable, with managers and coworkers coming and going on what seemed like a weekly basis. I enjoyed it while it lasted but to be honest I'm glad I left. I still stand by that barn and what they do for the community but it seems its a miracle they can keep the place afloat with the way things are done and it's a shame that the management don't value good employees - and I don't mean myself, I mean the people I worked with who'd been there for three years and worked their asses off daily out of love for the horses and program, but were never given anything more than minimum wage, not allowed any breaks, or even coffee. I couldn't believe the coffee thing. I was pretty good about keeping my coffee-drinking hidden, and I went two months without the head manager noticing, but eventually she spotted me sipping out of my thermos as I walked from one section of stalls finished stalls to the next section of dirty ones and I got the second degree for it; "Coffee is for Starbucks, not stables. I don't ever want to see coffee here again." I was half ashamed of myself for drinking it and half in stitches over how absurd I found it. It was near the end of my time there,  I'd already put in my two weeks, so I kept bringing my coffee in anyway. No coffee, no work.

After that I spent a few weeks doing nothing but trying to learn code, working on development projects, and applying to every-other-job-under-the-sun here; tech companies, startups, galleries, museums, coffee shops, grocery stores, both in cleveland and abroad, but without any luck. I swear there must be a mark on my forehead that says "DO NOT HIRE." The closest I came was a skype-interview with a tech company in Sacramento, and they were very encouraging but said that they needed someone with more experience - they left off to say "come back in about a year and we'll be really interested to see what you've been doing." That was about the closest.

Out of frustration, a little bit of bitterness, and realizing I had the rare urge to paint, I declared myself on an at-home-residency indefinitely to get my shit together. I know better than to ignore the urge to paint because nothing good comes of it, ever. I threw everything else aside: all the things I "should be" doing, the job I "should be" finding, the career I "should be" pursuing, the need for money, the worrying about my car, about moving out, the pressure to do certain things, pursue certain things, act certain ways. I dropped it all. I dropped it all and did what I wanted to do - paint - and an unexpected thing happened within the very first week; I felt good.

I really didn't think it worked that way.

It sounds simple and silly but - I feel good. I feel good. I haven't felt this good in a year. I haven't felt this myself in what feels like a long time. The binge eating stopped. The inability to sleep has stopped. The anxiety has calmed significantly. I feel like I can see, and breathe. I expected to be anxious the whole time - worried about the work I'm not doing, about the job I don't have, the money I'm not making, the bills I'm not paying. But it's not turning out that way.

I wake up each morning with eagerness and excitement to start the day, no more fear, no more reluctance. I go to bed each night looking forward to the next day.

I'm doing simple things. I'm painting. Sketching. Brushing up on art history and theory. Chores around the house. The garden is in. For the first time in two years I have ideas starting to form in my head - all sorts of projects and experiments to work on, and desire to do it. My mind feels clearer.

I know this won't go on for long until something pushes me back into the usual flow of 'responsible, normal adult life.' But I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it while I can, and count my blessings that Im able to do this, no matter for how short.