Chosen to live in unemployed and irresponsible bliss spending 80% of my waking time painting and the other 20% roaming streets and forests with Brógan and Jack.
Not total bliss, just to be clear. There's a lot of thread I've allowed to tangle up over the last three and a half years. It'll take a while to sort that out. But starting on the project feels good.
Also, a lot of uncertainty and anxiety. But I'm working on that too.
Accepting: not fitting into a box, not fitting into time slots or set hours or being complimented by a nice, descriptive, distinct label that makes me feel purposeful or important.
Accepting that I am not wired for a 9 to 5, a 40-hour week, a title, a routine.
And especially not made for doing the bidding of others.
People try to tell you otherwise.
They try to tell you it's because you're weak; you're lazy, unrealistic, irresponsible, spineless, ignorant, disrespectful, spoiled and selfish. They will tell you it's because you expect everything to be handed to you, because you didn't get enough of the belt as a kid, or got too much of what you wanted. They will tell you you don't know the meaning of work, don't have respect for work, that your head is in the clouds and you're a complete, total, utter imbecile. Birdbrain, feckless, irrational, impulsive, blind and foolish.
These are the same people that glorify busy-ness; the less time you have for family, friends, enjoyment, learning, enrichment, passtimes, or anything-other-than-responsibility, the higher you are on the social ladder - because you're that important.
These are the same people that glorify complaining. Who gain more and more beatitude with each gripe and grumble about their jobs. Whose divine social halos glow brighter each time they use their evidently non-existant spare time for the sole purpose of collectively complaining about the office (and mad bonus points for condemning those who do enjoy the work they do.)
But you know what? When you have all the time in the world, you suddenly find you have no time for any of that.
(Or at least, that you're working on having no time for it.)
Accepting:
The only constant I have ever had in my life has been art.
Whatever else I've done, whatever else has gone on in my life, good or bad, here or there, anywhere, any frame of mind, any age, any raging tempest, any struggle, any bliss, any season, relationship, phase, flight-of-fancy, job, hobby, interest, religion, illness, weather, hour - that's it. That's the one thing that has stood against the storms and ages, and lived through it all. Whether I like it or not, that's it.
The stoics believe that humans should live according to nature. The interpretation of this takes a few forms, but I've internalized it with two main points. Humans exist for the sole purpose of other humans - we are made for each other, perfectly, irrevocably, and for better for absolutely nothing else. All of us. And so, part of living according to nature is doing our best by our fellow humans - I always assumed this meant being a good person, helping others as best as you can, being non-judgmental, and never doing harm of any sort to any other person (or - and in many ways stoicism is strikingly similar to buddhism - to any other living thing, for that matter). The other part of this is very interesting - that we must live according to our individual nature. I think it's Epictetus who raises the example of a horse - what makes a good horse? Well, a horse that is suited well to the nature of horses. I suppose, at least for the domestic horse, he will have a good physical body - he will have strong legs, solid bones, a deep barrel, bright eyes, clean movement, a powerful hind end and back. But also he must have a good disposition in the way that only a horse can. Not the disposition of a dog, or bird, or human - but only one that suits him (probably something along the lines of having good energy, focused, not spooky, sound of mind, curious and given to quick learning, sensitive to body language of other horses [and potentially humans], neither aggressive nor entirely passive, etc).
So it goes for people. Beyond living according to nature as a human, in both temperament and physicality, according to the stoics we must live also according to our individual natures. To do otherwise would, in effect, cancel out the first point - living according to nature as a human being; by denying to live according to our individual natures (however we self-identify, find purpose or meaning or place in life), we deny the rest of humanity whatever we uniquely have to offer it. For example - a poet. It's in the poet's nature to write poetry. Should he deny himself this, he denies it also to the rest of humanity, for his poetry is his own personal contribution and gift to the wealth of human culture and complexity. Imagine if all poets were to go silent.
The pain point for the Stoics, it seems to me, is benefit of the whole. And that even by doing personal things, by being ourselves, whatever that may be - so long as it is not harmful to others - we benefit the whole.
I was going somewhere with this but I'm losing my train of thought.
At any rate. I'm not using stoicism as an excuse to quit my job and focus on my studio practice full time.
I don't need that. Because all I need is the fact that I'm an artist, I always have been. I don't fit into the boxes - not because I'm an artist, but because of who I am by my own nature, my own temperament, and being given to art-making is just a product of that. I accept it now, and I will no longer refuse it, put it aside for any other thing, and never again will I force myself to fit into boxes I don't fit into unless I have absolutely no other choice.
And there's always another choice.
I owe so much to Jack for knocking sense into me to help me reach this point and being unwaveringly encouraging, supportive, and, well, excited, when the rest of the world seemed so cold. I don't know why fortune favored me so much to let me share this human's life, but I'll never take it for granted.
Anyway. Now that I have all the time in the world, maybe I'll make some more time for this.
Congratulations on your eloquence, Kaetlyn. You say it so well.
ReplyDeleteIt's all familiar to me, of course, as you know. I have conversations along these lines every week with my ex. She's having pretty much the same struggle as you are. I've had similar conversation with my daughter. I've discussed it with Emily Bronte in spirit. I've even tried to explain it to the odd Normal here and there who I thought might understand. They usually listen politely, but they never seem to get it. Needless to say, I never tried to explain it to the officials in the Job Centre, since they're PAID not to understand it. As they see it, the purpose of people is to be uncomplaining components in the capitalist machine (as I think Marx put it) - faceless minions conditioned to glorify the work ethic and congratulate themselves on their wage slave status.
And would you please commend Jack for me. He seems a rare one.