I'm currently being kept awake by a very annoying brand of nausea. It's been an internally difficult sort of day day, though the grey and damp exterior hasn't helped (it has been wet and grey for weeks on end, with neither sun nor snow in any amount - we have not had a winter at all, though that's a subject for another time). Today just seemed to bring wave after wave of ill tiding. None of these tidings were for me, exactly - rather, they were more like roadside attractions or random bulletins I passed by through the course of the day. They have a habit burrowing into my mind where they take up too much residence and demand a great deal more attention and emotional energy than I likely ought to give them. Each morning I tell myself "today I'll mind my own business and take no hand-outs" but it seldom works, and the next thing I know there are 20 pamphlets of pure shite floating around in my skull while my body is rigid with tension, I've a wild headache from clenching my jaw, my chest is tight and aching, and I have no idea how long I've been in this state - An hour? All day?
Well, after maintaining this self-ruinous habit for a good few weeks, falling asleep was a task tonight. My body has decided it has had quite enough of being anxious and upset. Instead of tossing and turning restlessly for the next few hours, or laying uncomfortably while attempting to do crosswords on my phone, I decided to get up and make some mint tea (my Lord and Savior). But what to do from there? We get a whole 5 channels on our TV, most of which are, at this hour, airing hour-long informercials on beauty products and testosterone (I don't have money for either). A book? I can't start a new one without finishing the current one, which I'm in no mind to read tonight, good as it is. Sit on the internet and continue to absorb more doom-and-gloom? At this point, even the infomercials sound like a better idea. I spent a good 12 hours at my desk working today, so more drawing is off the menu as well (despite that I'm feeling the itch). It's 4:30 am, the animals and Jack are sleeping, and the rain is lashing...what to do, what to do.
*blows at the dust collected here*
It's very often that I wish we had a working fireplace; an open fire is such a wonderful thing. Tending to one, right now, sounds like it would be a very great pleasure.
No matter where I go, physically or mentally, there are some familiar places that feel forever safe and comforting. That feel in some way like returning home to myself. There's something in here - just in typing even this silly nonsense out and hitting that silly orange button - that makes it a little easier to breathe, or makes it feel a little bit more like perhaps I'm not as far from home as I thought.
I think I needed a little bit of feeling like I was home again tonight.
Thank you, blog - bed sounds nice again now.
