Doors

Open and close so quickly.

I received my first grad school rejection letter today.
On one hand, I wasn't surprised, nor nearly as upset as I expected to be - there's that ever-present and very strong voice of self-doubt that follows me everywhere and comforts me in the event that it was correct.
On the other hand, it was the school I was hoping for the most and thus it was by far the most well put-together application I'd done and I had a fair bit of optimism for it.

So the question goes through my mind: What do I do if I don't go to grad school? How do I make my work better - whether to apply again next year, or just for the sake of pushing it? How do I keep up with it?
I feel so estranged from my studio practice and art community. The days of being absorbed in it seem like a far away dream that I can barely remember anymore.

I can't deny that my ego feels a little sore as a result. Between undergrad and now it feels like I've put so much work , intent, and sincerity into everything I've done - trying to maintain a job I loathed despite my ill feelings for it, fitting in painting time, over two dozen hopeful job applications, and few things seem to work out. I don't feel defeated so much as I feel confounded - what do I keep doing wrong? Am I aiming too high? What is my work lacking? What is my language lacking?  What is my personality lacking?

And then the big question: where do I go from here?

On the bright side, the barn called back and scheduled an interview with me for tomorrow. I am holding my breath now.