Casadh an tSugáin

The dearest friend I've ever had parted ways with the world on Friday.

It's impossible for me to describe the feelings left in his wake. I won't even attempt it. The ghosts that sit in all the corners and ambush me now, the strange volleying between bursting with gratitude and thankfulness and love, as light as a feather, and feeling completely empty and lost, heavier than lead. No language could ever describe how much he meant to me, nor how thankful I am for his existence - for being able to be a part of his life, for everything he gave. I was the absolute luckiest human.

At some point, maybe I will find words close enough to my feelings to put them down on here. But for the time being, I can't find them.

But I do feel the need to put this somewhere tonight:

There's this old song in Irish I've always loved - Casadh an tSugáin (Twisting the Hayrope). It's about a man courting a woman, and the woman's mother finds out about it. While he's in the house, she sets him to helping her twist a rope, and as the rope gets longer, he inevitably ends up outside, and the mother closes the door on him. So he's all kinds of upset that he can't have the lady of his heart's desire.

I used to sing this to Brógan. Nobody in the world knows this. I spoke to him in Irish all the time because he never cared, or said he didn't understand, or give me funny looks for it - every 'command' he knew was in Irish, which frustrated the daylights out of my mother because he wouldn't listen to her English pleas for him to "sit" and it was too difficult for her to say "suigh síos" (even after nearly 11 years of trying). This tune would often get stuck in my head. Only...I changed the lyrics to be about when I'd met him as a puppy and was going to bring him home. It was even sillier (though I was quite proud of the fact that I managed to keep it mostly rhyming in Irish, and with the right number of syllables), and half the time I couldn't get through it without laughing, but I'd sing it when we were alone (in other words, when nobody else was around to hear me sing it), or if I were feeling bad and he were comforting me, and quite often in the car as well - he hated car rides.

It's been stuck in my head perpetually since last week.

I'll leave my version here:

Do casadh maidrín deas orm in uaigneas an pháirc

Ar lúb na coille glaise uair bheag roimh dorcha
Sin an fhreagar’ ó a thug sé liom go chiúin agus go tláth
“Is orm eachtra mór a théann leat roimh an lá”

’S bheidh mé leat, beidh leat, a stóirín mo chroí

’S bheidh mé leat, beidh leat, os comhair a’ tí

’S bheidh mé leat, ’s gur leat gach órlach dem’ chroí

’Sé mo mhíle sásta go bheidh mé leat Dé Cheadaoin mar mnaoi!

-

(A nice little pup met me in the loneliness of the field,

At the bend of the green wood, an hour before dark

This was the answer he gave me quietly and gently;

'Let's take a great adventure together before the day'

I'll be with you, be with you, oh love of my heart

I'll be with you, be with you, in front of the house

I'll be with you, and every inch of my heart is yours

It's my great happiness that on Wednesday I'll be your girl")

Iarla Ó Líonáird is here singing it far better than I could ever hope to. He starts 50 seconds in and is so very very worth a listen to:

I'll probably be humming this around the house for weeks. Music and fiddle-practice have been life savers the past two days.

Airím uaim leat mo chara; feicfidh mé thú san tsaol is geise. Thank you thank you thank you thank you <3