And
I'm notorious for skipping apprenticeship class.
My dad will holler up the stairs at me, his voice shaking with anger and disbelief; "DID YOU GO TO CLASS?"
Now what sort of question is that?
I recoil further into the corner of my studio, under my blanket, hoping that maybe the gap between the two baseboards might be sympathetic enough to swallow me. But it never is, so I spend the entirety of the evening hiding in the corner, avoiding any chance of bumping into him, religiously plugging away at my saving-grace in a desperate attempt to hone skills that will allow me to avoid apprenticeship class for once and for all.
The next morning he won't talk to me. We wake up at 4:30, make coffee, take breakfast, and wait in silence for the coffee to wake us up and the time to pass until we have to shove off. He won't acknowledge me. Sometimes, even if it's -7 degrees, he'll go outside for his cigarette instead of sitting by the fire next to me (and every time I realize he's tempted to do this, I, instead, go outside, out of guilt and shame.)
By 7am he has me convinced I've committed a mortal sin and will never amount to anything.
I skip apprenticeship class because, as far as I'm concerned (and the consensus among my coworkers is in overwhelming agreement) it is one of the most immense wastes of my time. This week alone we had an 8 hour class on saturday and two 5-hour classes after work during the week. We aren't paid for our time (like most of the other trades), and the large majority of the class time is spent watching youtube videos of cats, films on netflix, and distracting our coordinator by talking about dinosaurs.
The biggest factor, however, is that I do not plan on booking out. Better yet, I do not plan on seeing this into the summer.
So, instead, I could be at home working on the things I need to do to get out. Continuing to plug away at the path I'm on. Patience is a virtue, I know, I know.
But getting out of bed, 5-6 days a week, dreading the day, fighting off impulses to abandon ship mid-sail on a daily basis, crying more days than not, and letting it continue to suffocate me, is not sustainable.
Yet I continue to do the work. I continue to show up and put in everything I've got.
On a daily basis I must talk myself out of phoning my supervisor and telling him I'm done; I have to talk myself out of going to the hall and withdrawing my active status. It doesn't help that the reasons I have for not doing these things, against all the desire in my body and soul, are not the most 'motivating' reasons either, primarily student loans, which then triggers the cycle of "I spent 150k on this education and skill that I'm not using and want so desperately to use but instead am doing this wretched soul-sucking job to pay for while not having the time to further my employability with those skills" etc etc etc.
The good news is that I found a good way out of the loop that, so far, I really enjoy, and am picking up swiftly. It's only a matter of time.
The bad news is that my patience and mental capacity for continuing to wait in the loop under the relentless internal-insanity is very quickly dwindling.
Being made to feel like I will never amount to anything doesn't help in the least bit - I recognize this is my dad's way of trying to toughen me up, a "suck it up buttercup" approach (I loathe when he says this to me). But it backfires; instead, I feel like throwing my hands up and saying 'You're right! I won't! So I'm done trying!' (mostly because my brain is desperate for any excuse it can find to abandon this ship - even if it's that one.)
But another part of me recognizes that this isn't true in the least.
I have contractors from the other side of the company paying money to loan me from the contractor I work for (why don't I see any of this money though, I wonder?); there are project managers requesting me on their jobs. I'm sent to all the shitty, miserable, wretched projects because my supervisor knows I will do them, do them correctly and do them well, while few others will.
I don't think that's the definition of someone who will never amount to anything; I very rarely pat myself on the back, but I'd say that sticking to a job that you loath, continuing to wake up and put in the hours and the work, day in and day out, for nearly three years, despite hating it, despite spending your evenings (even your afternoon lunch breaks) crying, despite feeling desperate, miserable, and devoid of motivation, spirit, and willingness, is strength, not weakness.
Lately, my mind says "Fuck this; I should just do a shit job. Maybe they will lay me off then when they see I am of no good use anymore. Maybe I should let the bad attitude in my mind manifest itself physically and stop putting so much effort and care into this work. Then they'll get fed up and pissed off and let me go to punish me."
But I continue to do the best I can because I'm a coward, and because I want so desperately for my father to see that I am a hard worker. Because I so desperately want his validation and approval.
Yet somewhere in me, I know I'm not a bad person, that I'm not useless, despite how I'm made to feel sometimes.
I don't drink. I don't do any drugs bar bad smoking and coffee/tea habits. I don't blow my money on anything but student loan repayments and going out for an espresso or tea two or three times a week. I haven't bought any clothes in a year and a half. I do my best to pay my bills on time. I clean, I cook, chop and stack firewood, do household repairs, maintain the gardens, help out my family as much as I can. I love my family, I love my dogs. I don't ask for money from anyone. I don't desire a big house or a nice car or any material belongings for that matter. I don't gamble, lie, cheat, or steal. I don't sit around and play video games, watch tv for hours, sleep late, or otherwise piss away my limited time. I don't expect anyone to pick up my slack. I value all life forms and treat every living thing with as much compassion and understanding and kindness and mindfulness as I can (perhaps excepting myself). I work honestly and give it everything I've got - even if I don't like it.
I just don't want to do this anymore. I just want a job, a way to make a living, that I equally enjoy and am good at.
And I'm willing (even desperate) to do the hard work too.
Right now I'm late because I'm waiting for laundry to dry, and I'm as tempted to call my supervisor and quit as ever. I'm tempted to throw my arms up, jump ship, and paddle away into a different direction. I don't have the money, but I'd like to keep my sanity.
